Am I invisible?

It seems that despite weighing at least 2 ton, I am invisible.....or should I more correctly say, my car is invisible.

I know this because:

• people keep walking out in front of it
• other cars keep pulling out in front of it and
• just today - a car was stopped in the middle of the main road in our village, having a conversation with another car which was going the other way - and despite me sitting behind in my car, patiently waiting to carry on with my journey and despite the driver of the car glancing in their rear view mirror, still I had to sit for at least 5 minutes while the two cars which were blocking the road carried on with their conversation (which made me late for my meeting).

Proof therefore that my car is indeed invisible. Which is worrying. I did ask for the metallic blue paint and MP3 player options when I ordered my car 18 months or so ago but I do not remember ordering the optional invisibility cloak .

My car. Clearly not invisible when engine is off and no one is in it.

The confusing thing is that I can see my car - quite plainly. There it is - outside of my house, right now. So what is the explanation?

Maybe it is visible when no one is in it and then maybe it turns invisible and turns me invisible when I get in and start the engine? What other explanation can there be for the fact that pedestrians and other drivers clearly cannot see me?

Or maybe my car is plainly visible - with me in it and the engine on, but the Highway Code has actually recently changed (and nobody told me) and it now states:

"If you are waiting to cross the road and you see a blue Totota Prius approaching, it is safe to cross directly in front of it." and

"If you are waiting to turn left out of a junction from a minor road on to a major road, give way to all vehicles approaching from the right - except for Blue Totota Priuses". and

"If you are in your car and you want to stop and have a chat with one of your friends as they pass by in their car, you must move on if another vehicle approaches to prevent blocking the road and them having to wait behind you - except Blue Totota Prisuses. They will have to wait. It doesn't matter if the driver is on a tight time schedule - having got up, sorted out school uniform for daughter, walked the dog, made breakfast, seen daughter off to school, fed the rabbits, had a shower, got dressed, made half a dozen phone calls and reviewed work emails all before 8.30am so that they could leave on time for meeting. They will just have to wait. And be late for their 9 am meeting."



So, dear reader, perhaps you can help? Next time you see my car, with the engine on and me in it, would you please take a photo? The photo will show whether my car is invisible or not. Clearly if it is actually invisible - you will not see it and therefore will not know to take a photo. But if it is visible, and you can clearly see it, it must be that the Highway Code has actually changed as above, unbeknown to me and in that case, could you confirm this to me, in which case I will drive more carefully from now on and give way to all cars and pedestrians at all times? I will not call them names under my breath as I am slamming on my breaks in order to narrowly avoid hitting them and I will not get annoyed when I am made late for a meeting and on the verge of getting out of my car and politely asking the chatting cars to ****ing move out of the ****ing way.

Thanks.

World Premiere of "Perfect Parenting- The infomercials".

Now available here.

Perfect Parenting.

Indulge me if you would....just for a while. Late last night, I was brainstorming (or is the now politically correct term "Wordshowering" or "Thoughtstorming" or "Thinkbathing"? I can never remember what politically correct version I am meant to be using so that I do not upset or offend anyone!) possible subject matter for my blog.

At this point, I should state that I am still feeling uncomfortable with the words "Blog",  "Blogging", "Blogger" and indeed all words related. I don't like the way they sound. They offend my ears. I don't know if it is the "Bl" part, or the "og" part. I think it may be that singularly, neither of those sounds appeal to me and then when you actually put them together - the result is doubly unappealing. Therefore, I have decided to invent a new word.... "blant". I have checked with the Oxford Dictionary and no such word exists up until now. So there you now have it. Blant. A new type of internet posting. A cross between a blog and a rant.This is now going to be "my blant" - rather than "my blog". Whilst writing on it I shall be "blanting" and thus I shall now be a "blanter", and you dear readers shall be "blantees" (not sure about that last one?) Now I can indulge in some delusionary fantasies about how in ten years from now, blant shall have passed into mainstream culture and be listed in the Oxford English just after blankety and inbetween blanquette and Blantyre. Hah!

Mmmm. Look what Tarquin made for elevenses

Anyway, so, there I was last night, cerebellum drizzling possible subject matter for my blant (see it's catching on already) when I was inspired by another blog that I have been introduced to: http://www.nonworkingmonkey.com/ (very funny. I suggest you take a look, especially at the series of cartoons about "Bad Boss". ) In a flash of inspiration, I decided to produce a series of parenting infomercials about how to be a Perfect Parent. I should mention here (as those of you that know me are probably already laughing maniacally at the audacity that I can allude to being anything near a perfect parent) that despite reading all of the parenting books, listening to all of the hypnosis tapes, going to all of the NCT meetings, attending endless decaf mornings at various homes of the local "knit your own museli" brigade and eating lots of homemade- homeopathic- gluten free- wheat free- sugar free - dairy free- taste free -tofu cakes, 13 years on, I still struggle every day to be the best parent that I can. Then every night, I still worry about whether I have got it right, or anything near approaching right. However, I do try very, very hard. And that's gotta be worth something, right?

Occasionally, friends of mine who entered into parenthood later than I did and thus currently have pre-teen children, raise alarmed eyebrows and try to hide their shocked faces by glancing smuggly and surrepticiously at each other whilst I regail them of the latest household escapades resulting from my attempt to exert some form of what looks like effective parenting over my beautiful, witty, wise, highly intelligent, strong willed and very tall 13 year old daughter. However, these same friends, I know, will be knocking at my doors of wisdom in about 8 years time when I will have by then passed through trials of the terrible teenage years and be on the home straight to that's the last box of your stuff from out of the loft, bye and let me know when I have grandchildren celebration party.

So, in order that I remember some of the excellent (!) parenting that I have done in the last 13 years (mostly on my own - but that's another blant for another time) I give you " Teach them to be Responsible"- the first of the "Perfect Parenting" series - a collection of short infomercials about how make sure that your children grow up. (I was going to put here ......grow up to be well adjusted, well equipped, happy and successful. However, I think that's stretching hope a little bit too much.)

There will be a short pause at this point where I finish editing, do some housework, work out how to publish the first infomercial and make some Saturday morning pancakes.......

Virgin Blogger - Old Time Ranter

Hmmmm. Where to start. Well, as evident from the title of this blog - I am actually a virgin in the world of blogging.

I have been inspired to start blogging (I am not sure that I actually like the aesthetics of the words "blogging") after reading one of my friend's blogs (ditto) earlier today. I don't actually know if I have anything interesting to say, but I do like to talk. A lot. So much talking do I do in fact, that my sister (who I am sure that you will become aquainted with in future blogs - as she features quite a lot in my life) said that my eptitaph should read "Here lies Kristy- Anne. She liked to talk and was endearingly nuts" (the endearingly nuts quality - I am also sure that you will become aquainted with in future blogs).

Speakers' Corner. Sunday rantings.

I also like to rant and it seems to me that as I have gotten older, I seem to be ranting more and more. Is this a trait of getting older? Does this happen to everyone as they pass the 40th pit stop of life ? I know that there have been several TV programmes about grumpy old people and their ranting, but I think that I have always ranted in one way or another. I am not a particularly angry ranter. I have never been a particularly grumpy person. But I do like to get stuff of my chest and as I am quite a passionate person, when I express myself - I tend to do it in ranting style. I also happen to think that some truly great things have been achieved by ranting and that there have been some truly genius ranters throughout history (on the other hand, I have also observed that ranting is sometimes also associated with the inebriated or the deranged. It's a fine line.)  I am not claiming that anything great will come of my rantings, but hopefully they may be amusing to some other ranters out there (including the drunk and insane).

So - when thinking about what to call my blog -site, I felt it necessary to choose a name that warns potential readers that some ranting may be involved. You have been warned. Also - I felt that I wanted to warn afore mentioned readers that if they are still in that wonderful bloom of youth, although they may also enjoy ranting as a past-time, they may not find reading the rants of a 40 something very interesting and may be more amused by listening to some rap music (which I consider to mostly be ranting in rhyme to music). Although I think of myself as young at heart (doesn't everyone?) I can tell by the look on my teenage daughter's face that she has no interest in most of my regular rantings- especially the ones which feature the state of her bedroom. I think that she is also hoping that by me having a creative- ranting- outlet - I will rant less in everyday life.

So in essence this site will feature cathartic ranting on a number of subjects, sometimes as they crop up in every day life and sometimes as I reflect on the past 40 years. And maybe some recipes ( mostly for food that involves bananas, as I seem to perpetually buy them, leave them to ripen, miss the exact ripening window - when they are not green or hard, slightly squashy, but haven't yet gone brown - and end up spending the rest of the week trying to cook various things with them so as not to waste them).

Well, that about wraps it up for now. My first blog. How exciting!